Me For President (Platform)

I would make a good President
because I would have to be dragged
kicking and screaming to the job
because I am relatively free of the mental defect
that would make me think I could do the job
and that makes me more qualified
than those who usually try and do it

I would make a good President
of these Disunited States
because of all the hot bones in my closet
I’ve been everything at one point or another
and everyone could find in me something to hate
or use to declare me unfit for the office

I would make a good President
because my father’s an Apache right off the rez
and my mother’s an Italian immigrant
(don’t worry, she got here legally —
not so sure about my dad)
I’ve got the whole American Dream covered
in one package, baby —
was here, came here
colonized, colonizer

I’d make a good President
because I have inhaled
snorted popped booted swallowed
all the good national drugs —
money fame and casual cruelty
to my fellow Americans
and while I’m on the wagon now
I still know my way around
a finger flipped in traffic
whether domestic or foreign
(I know my enemies can change
on a dime into allies and back again
from years of merging onto freeways)

I’d make a great President
because I’ve got the allegedly necessary genitalia
for the job
I don’t look biracial
so I can be slotted without too much fuss
and I know how to wink and nudge
and slap a back when a back needs slapping

I’m not running
if nominated will not run
if elected will not serve
but boy howdy I’d be good at it
and man oh man you’ll be kicking yourself
next time the vote comes around
that I wasn’t in the race
in fact
I’m thinking of changing my name
to
None Of The Above
just to test the waters